Key to Balancing the Budget: Repeal! Repeal!

By Richard Thayer

Unbiased, impartial, fair and balanced Foxy News Reporter: Congratulations, Congressman Snidely on your victory this past week in voting to repeal the job-killing, budget-busting health reform law. You and your colleagues did a fantastic job this past week. And, while I’m shamelessly gushing here, I’d also like to add that you and your fellow lawmakers were extremely civil and not once, not one time, did you refer to the president as the Anti-Christ.

Snidely: Thank you, thank you (feigning humility). But I think that’s a given.

Reporter: What do you and your colleagues plan to introduce as a bill to replace the law you’re attempting to repeal?

Snidely: Uh, well, we don’t really have a plan as such just yet. We’ve been working really hard on repealing the present law and haven’t had much time to come up with a viable alternative yet. But we do have a title for the bill.

Reporter: Super. Lay it on me.

Snidely: (Expanding with pride) It will be called: “The Job-Birthing, Budget-Building, Anti-Obama Care Health Reform Act.”

Reporter: (Obviously impressed) That’s truly an inspired title for the bill, Congressman.

Snidely: I can’t take all the credit for that. Actually our 15-member committee came up with the title. After a couple of weeks.

Reporter: Since you don’t actually have a bill to replace the law that you’re attempting to repeal, what’s next on the agenda?

Snidely: Well, since we’re on a roll repealing stuff, we thought we’d spend some more time repealing some other laws that’re on the books. We figured that since we’ve got some momentum going here, we might as well take advantage of it.

Reporter: Great idea. We have way too many laws on the books as it is.

Snidely: Right on.

Reporter: So what’re you planning on repealing next?

Snidely: Well, as you are aware, we’re spending way too much money on unnecessary stuff in this country. Beginning this coming week we’re going to start repealing every law that’s costing taxpayers’ money. We’re talking billions of dollars here.

Reporter: Sounds inspired. Can you give us some examples?

Snidely: You betcha. High on our hit list are the so-called entitlement programs: Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, unemployment benefits, astronomical wages and benefits for those sorry federal workers, things like that. We also need to repeal restrictions on big oil, big banks, insurance companies, corporations making over a zillion dollars a year, Wall Street, and so on. They’ve suffered enough. Oh, and first and foremost, we need to repeal what’s-his-name up there in the White House. Repealing him is our number-one priority.

Reporter: President Obama.

Snidely: Yeah, that’s it. Does that sound like an American name to you? Obama? How many Americans do you know who’re named Obama?

Reporter: Other than his immediate family, I really can’t think of any.

Snidely: I’m not saying he wasn’t born in America, mind you, but that’s a mighty suspicious name. Now if we can get him repealed, then all this other repealing stuff will be a piece of cake. If we can make an example of him, the rest of the Democrats will fall into line.

Reporter: Pardon me for saying this, I know we didn’t rehearse this before going on the air, but I understand that there’s going to be debate this coming week on the filibuster. During the 111th Congress there were nearly 300 filibusters and many believe that this contributed to much of the grid-lock in the Congress. Since you’re in repealing-mode, do you and your colleagues plan on repealing this and replacing it with something more practical?

Snidely: (With a look of utmost contempt on his face) I’ll have you know my party was responsible for that record number of filibusters.

Reporter: (Shamefaced) Oh. Well, not intending to humiliate myself still further, but if the vote is coming up later this week and you’re in a repeal-everything mode, as you said, wouldn’t this contradict your earlier statement?

Snidely: (His contempt deepening still further) Absolutely not. We plan to repeal any proposal that might repeal the current filibuster rule.


Sound and Fury Signifying…What?

By Richard Thayer

As you may have noticed there was a flurry of excitement on Capitol Hill earlier this week as the House of Representatives prepared to vote on the controversial Affordable Care Act, aka, that “job-killing,” no, make that, “job-destroying, budget busting, Obama Care, government takeover socialist” law that was originally passed back in March of last year.

Man, there hadn’t been that much excitement in Congress since Stephen Colbert graced those hallowed halls last year.

After several hours of passionate, but civil (?) debate, the vote was taken late Wednesday afternoon and — surprise!–the House Republicans voted to repeal health reform.

Wow! We didn’t see that coming!

At the close of the day yesterday Republicans were still giddy from their latest victory.

A little giddy myself from all the hoopla going into the vote, I grabbed my trusty clicker first thing this morning and turned on the TV to see what the talking heads had to say about this red-letter date in history.

This is what I’ve found so far:

— Many of our country’s most important and beautiful people attended a state dinner last night for China’s President Hu. (Who?)

— There has been extensive coverage of the VIPs who attended, what they wore, what they said and what they ate (Oooooh).

— Newly elected House Speaker John Boehner was not one of those important, beautiful people who attended the state dinner. I have been told that he had a conflict. It seems he had a tanning bed appointment scheduled at the same time (Decisions, decisions!).

— Comedian Ricky Gervais, in addition to not being invited to the state dinner, probably won’t be invited to next year’s Golden Globes either (Bummer).

— Rush Limbaugh did a hilarious impression of a Chinaman on his radio show.

— A teenager, said to be the Italian prime minister’s lover, says he never laid a hand on her.

— Betty White drank Vodka with David Letterman.

And

— Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Last Supper” has been duplicated using laundry lint.

Then there was the story about the House Republicans voting to repeal the Affordable Care Act.

Okay, now that momentum is in their favor, what do the Republicans plan to repeal next?

As soon as they recover from all the excitement, they’ll let us know.